Caring for a loved one? A 4-minute caregiver stress self-check

This self-check is for anyone who looks after a family member with a mental or physical illness: a parent, a spouse, a grown-up child, a brother or sister, or another relative. Caring is often an act of love and duty, and in many families most of it falls on one person. Over months or years, that load can wear down the carer's own rest, mood and health¹.

The 12 questions look at the past month:

• time for yourself, tiredness and disturbed sleep;
• carrying the load alone, without others in the family sharing it;
• irritability with the person you care for, and the guilt that often follows;
• money worries from treatment costs or lost work;
• cutting back on friends, work or things you used to enjoy;
• worry about what people will say about your family member's illness;
• neglecting your own meals, check-ups or medicines;
• feeling hopeless that things will improve, and whether you have someone to talk to.

The last question asks whether things have felt so overwhelming that you thought about harming yourself, so that help can be shown straight away if you need it.

Questions 1 to 11 each score from 0 (“Rarely or never”) to 3 (“Almost always”). Question 11, about having someone to talk to, is scored the other way round: “Almost always” scores 0 and “Rarely or never” scores 3, because having someone on your side makes the load easier to carry. The total runs from 0 to 33:

Question 12, about thoughts of harming yourself or that life isn't worth living, is not added to the total. Any answer other than “Rarely or never” opens a panel with urgent help at once. You can still finish the self-check and see your result.

Your result describes how caring is affecting you right now, not how well you care or what kind of person you are. It is a self-check, not a diagnosis: only a qualified professional can assess what is going on.

• You're coping, with some support: caring is demanding, but you seem to be managing. Your rest and the people who support you are worth protecting.
• Caring is taking a toll: caring is starting to affect your rest, mood and health. This is a good time to share specific tasks and ask for support.
• You may be close to burnout: you are carrying a heavy load, and it is wearing you down. Here, “burnout” means the deep exhaustion that can build up after a long time of caring without enough rest or help. It is not a diagnosis.

Feeling irritable, guilty or worn out does not mean you are failing your family member. These feelings are understandable when the load is heavy. Your result can also change as your loved one's illness changes, so it is worth checking in again from time to time. If low mood or hopelessness lasts two weeks or more, the depression self-check (PHQ-9) can help you look at your mood more closely.

Small, practical changes can lighten the load:

• Share specific tasks. Instead of asking for help in general, give one family member one clear job, such as medicines, appointments, one night a week or the shopping. Relatives abroad can help with calls, planning or costs.
• Take a short break every day, even 15 minutes away from caring, and a longer one when someone else can step in. Breaks are part of caring well, not a luxury².
• Protect your sleep and meals. Keep regular sleep hours where you can, and give yourself time to wind down before bed⁴.
• Have one person you can talk to openly about how you feel: a friend, a relative or a counsellor.
• Ask your loved one's care team for a family session. It is a chance to understand the illness, plan care together and agree who does what.
• Keep up your own check-ups and medicines. Your health matters in its own right¹.
• Worried about what people will say? You do not owe everyone an explanation. A mental illness is a health problem like any other, and getting treatment for your family member is a responsible step.

You will find more ideas in our guide to supporting a loved one.

Get support for yourself, not only for your family member, if you:

• feel hopeless, or low most of the time for two weeks or more;
• can barely sleep or eat;
• use alcohol or pills to cope;
• feel you might hurt yourself or the person you care for.

A doctor or a qualified professional, such as a BMDC-registered psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist, can help you. Care is available in private practice and at public hospitals. If the person you care for is becoming more unwell, let their doctor or care team know too.

Our crisis help page explains what to do next.

The team at Dr. MR Siddique Psychiatry Centre wrote this quiz for family members who look after someone who is unwell. It is not a validated test, and it cannot diagnose any condition. The questions are in our own words; they are not copied or translated from any published questionnaire for carers. Use it to notice patterns and to start a conversation, with your family or with a professional.

The sources below explain carers' needs and when to get urgent help. They are written for readers in Australia and the UK and describe services there, but the advice on looking after yourself applies everywhere.